Thursday, May 24, 2012

A Hungry Soul & Complicated Thinking :)

On a warm evening, with not a cool in the air, the hungry soul makes the 4.5 minute walk towards home from work place-What was going through her mind, only she would know.Oh the hungry soul is a female. Exciting, intriguing. When women are at thought , men as well as not go anywhere near them - for the web of useless /useful thoughts that they weave in their mind and the interpretations they are capable of attributing to simple gestures or dialogues could baffle your uncomplicated thinking and simple mind.So Beware!!! So what followed on this otherwise still evening?
1.5 minute into the walk, the very sight of a man washing his car in his home, brings a smile to her face. The sight takes her back to the days she used to do the same activity for her father. A car wash was equivalent to  having a bath.By the end of the activity both the car and she would be drenched in water (head to foot) ,the only difference being that the car would be glistening and she dirty yet beaming with the satisfaction of having done a man's job.  The sight made her nostalgic and long for those activity filled days of living at home. The walk filled with  nostalgia was not gonna end without invoking another memory . There - just there -  in front of her (exaggerated - 100 ft away ) was this doggy wandering free. Oh! Why did you have to appear in front of me just now? Why?  Why?  Was it to remind me of Chinju & Babloo . To remind me that I was not alone once as I am now  and that once- come hail,  snow or storm (nothing that ever happened at home) , I always had 2 understanding shadows  following me wherever I went. Good old days , good old days (Though a granny dialogue, not a granny yet, inspite of the very many greys propping out every now and then as if with a vengeance).  Oh once again - Why am I away from home - Oh I remember - to free myself from being imprisoned within the 4 walls of a set thought process, from a society which thinks highly about itself,to see, feel & experience beyond. (I keep forgetting it whenever nostalgia takes over). 4.5 minutes and so many thoughts- Not bad at all. You are a pride to womanhood (sarcasm)
I take out the key to my home and the door is about to be opened. Last straying away of mind before entering home sweet home. 'Will I do something different today or will it be spent just the same way as the yester-days'. Away from the system, slopping on a couch ,punishing myself by watching the mega serials "stree janmams" - all because I dont want my brain to stray away with all these un-wanted thoughts or will I take myself to the park and get engrossed in Tolstoys "Ressurrection" (happiness lies in that I do understand LT). As a matter of fact- the evening was gonna be unusual and thought provoking and spent in neither of the above said ways. I don't remember if I entered home keeping my right foot first or my left foot forward.If I knew which , tomorrow the same action would follow suit :)

 I think of late I have developed a sense of humour (which is naturally not a dear cousin to me) otherwise I wouldn't me writing  what happened next. 

Went straight to the system to check to see if there was some activity in FB. Usual glancing through would just take 10 minutes.Not so today. For me FB was where I got to know who got engaged/ married or who among my friends had a kid added to the other political & economic news updates. Both very important updates lest I ended up asking the wrong questions to so seeming close friends. As a matter of fact , today was not like any other day. I did have messages waiting to be openend.Oooooo fancy ! Ok these messages were not a result of friends remembering to say a hi to me, but rather a result of me saying  Hi to few friends & few acquaintances - just to remind me that it was important that I did not end up being a loner and also so that- later on I wouldn't have to listen to dialogues that may go this way "OoooH njangaleyokke ormayunddo aavumo /// Ingane oraal jeevichirippunddo " , both of which leaves me more irritated than dull witted. . To friends it was mainly apologies for not calling to congratulate for having a baby or etc. 

Next is the moment when things started happening.
The reply to the last message in my inbox was to this particular friend (I hate the word acquaintance because it puts in so much distance between two people).What I forgot was that even if I hated this particular word "accquaintance", the person at the other end ' the friend" may not. Life as a Mechanical professional has ruined the flair of a woman in me (by the way: When did I ever have that flair. My memory is failing me). The reply was jotted down and sent. Since this friend was online , his reply was immediate.(His first big mistake) A string of conversations followed . The string - the end of it- took me back to where I started - 'Nostalgia" . But a confused nostalgia this time around. Somehow or the other I was happy to talk to this person for it invoked memories of a happy age of which both of us was a part of but not with many common memories.Sometimes its not important to have a lot of common memories to strike a chord.I was just happy and I totally forgot that he barely knew me and that we have hardly spoken but more than a few words in the span of knowing each other. So the chirpy me went on, not sensing that someone at the other end was starting to get uncomfortable with the chirp :).....Little did he know that the only way to stop this chirping was by uttering the magic word. ' Miss Inquisitive" (The Miss was silent ;) ) . But when the heat was unbearable, unknowingly the magic word  came out...... Oooooo. Did I see or did I sense someone go red and hot at this end. I think I did. Don't worry I wouldn't say who that was, I wouldn't give away the secret. Instead of letting the lump reach my heart , I swallowed it for the first time in my life and immediately set to thinking from his perspective. He was Absolutely right. He dint know me , so my usual self was rightly mis-labelled as "Miss Inquisitive". Had it been me in his place and Had it been a boy who was talking to me thus, and acting SO familiar, I would have had the same thought 'WHOOO IS THISSS??? " 
""oh man
you do ask a lot of questions"
"and very inquisitive arent you?'

  So in a way - what did I learn from being my usual self. I realised that the usual self could be interpreted in two ways (when only 2 people are involved in the judging process).First your way about which only you know and second the other persons way which is based on the first impression you end up creating by your unlady like ways :) I am sure if I had good lady friends they wouldn't approve of my uncharacteristic ways.

As a matter of fact, its only right to give a chance for 'Miss Inquisitive" to justify her stand. Once upon a time she was  (Who am I kidding), she still is - a vaayadi when in her right spirits/when given a chance :) .An accusation she lives with is the naamodayam "Open book". Much as she tries, the book just wouldn't close (yet). I am sure it will one day but only after a few more greys will threaten and  will make itself visible for the world to witness.So for her, conversation of the first kind (with familiarity) comes natural and also because she has always been subject to questioning with answers expected like "Why do you have short hair" 'Why did you take Mechanical" "Why are you still with the same company""Why are you not married""Do you intend to get married and if so when""Whats your future plan"  , she has become used to the trend of being questioned or asking questions. Also when two people are supposedly having a conversation (chat/phone) and one side is quiet , she does not know how the conversation can go on in any other way than by asking questions. Little realizing that the silence in the first place may be because of "I do not want to have a conversation" "I am not comfortable having a conversation with you- Leave me alone :) "or other "N" number of reasons. In short, none of the conversation (questioning)  was because she was inquisitive (for the word meaning it stood for) to know what this friend was doing or to know what he was thinking of or to make him feel suffocated or feel thread bare. I do not personally believe in "How are you?- I am fine" "How is work?- Going good or hectic""How is family-Doing good."Do you have many friends in ur new place, Howz the place? All good""" and then a pause, a silence and any question or conversation beyond that is about getting too familiar.I may even stop talking to people because I know all these answers without even asking. Is this what growing up is all about?  Anyways that's the  background of this one Miss Inquisitive. It was an awakening and a Good one too.I liked it because I think this was something that I needed to understand/ remember while catching up with friends. It reminded me that a hungry soul would forget standards set by society when in alienation.
 ( A similar lesson that I got to learn a long time back is - a junior guy friend advise goes thus - I had this habit of falling in infatuation and within a week of the said feeling go and confess my infatuation (love per me then) to the concerned person- Thinking about it now , I can only imagine the fright I must have given those poor fellow beings :) )-but I was rightly immature then as I am sort of now :) I stopped after being taught that its the guy who should always come and propose :)- which is true........) and that learning still stays with me )

But at the end of it all , if I am asked if I learnt where I have to strike the balance- The answer would be "No". Conversation to me is not silence but about asking or answering  questions (but now I understand that a comfort zone has to be created/established). Silence is waiting for someone else to take the conversation forward and if it doesnt happen it become "The End". Maybe in recent times I have not experienced the Silent conversation- a Conversation wherein people speak from the heart without feeling its a question answer round going on, Wherein silence in itself is a conversation understood by the heart. Feeling like a pauper :).....{{{{ This section is confusing- I can't write better }}}}

At the end of it all , there is something I admire my friend for. I felt sad for a moment thinking that he felt that I was being inquisitive. But when I told him that I was just a vaayaadi and was not trying to intrude into his comfort zone- He said he believed.I respect him for that (if he truly meant it)

no misunderstanding then"

Once again , If what he said was true, I respect his understanding........and that understanding is what made me swallow the pill and see the lighter side of it.

What did I tell you when I began. "Women & thoughts" - Nothing more complicated :)
Am I ashamed of it. Sometimes I am , sometimes I am not...........................................When talking to people who understands your thinking (I am not) , but when talking to people who do not understand (I am ) :) :) :)

I love the wind blowing outside and I am glad Summer is here. With summer comes new life , new learning and new beginning and today was the first day of summer for me. 

This is with all due respects to this friend of mine and much as he may never know , I thank him for being that person who is unknowingly responsible for making me just sit down to write something...........(stupid as it may be)

(As always edits , if at all I feel like will come later - Till then , raw it remains as it came from within me.......)
Just yesterday I was thinking of Dowry from a man's and woman's perspective(bride,, groom,,parents,, in-laws,,society ) as I saw being debated and write solely from my perspective.....But in the process of it I realized how useless mere debates without practice is but I will someday pen something (as I always think is what debates are)..............................but instead of dowry this is what I ended up writing.............

Before the calm of the warm night paved way to the calm of the cool dawn , I got to listen to my 19 year old sister speaking about her confusions about life and I knew that  the same speech I gave her then to make her feel good, was the same speech I heard from my parents just a few days back when @ 28,  I was confused about life and its purpose for me :) . What comes around goes around........
 This was a day indeed ,eventful in a different light , a day that cannot stop & suppress my smile...........

Till later .....................