A Hungry Soul & Complicated Thinking :)

On a warm evening, with not a cool in the air, the hungry soul makes the 4.5 minute walk towards home from work place-What was going through her mind, only she would know.Oh the hungry soul is a female. Exciting, intriguing. When women are at thought , men as well as not go anywhere near them - for the web of useless /useful thoughts that they weave in their mind and the interpretations they are capable of attributing to simple gestures or dialogues could baffle your uncomplicated thinking and simple mind.So Beware!!! So what followed on this otherwise still evening?

1.5 minute into the walk, the very sight of a man washing his car in his home, brings a smile to her face. The sight takes her back to the days she used to do the same activity for her father. A car wash was equivalent to  having a bath.By the end of the activity both the car and she would be drenched in water (head to foot) ,the only difference being that the car would be glistening and she dirty yet beaming with the satisfaction of having done a man's job.  The sight made her nostalgic and long for those activity filled days of living at home. The walk filled with  nostalgia was not gonna end without invoking another memory . There - just there -  in front of her (exaggerated - 100 ft away ) was this doggy wandering free. Oh! Why did you have to appear in front of me just now? Why?  Why?  Was it to remind me of Chinju & Babloo . To remind me that I was not alone once as I am now  and that once- come hail,  snow or storm (nothing that ever happened at home) , I always had 2 understanding shadows  following me wherever I went. Good old days , good old days (Though a granny dialogue, not a granny yet, inspite of the very many greys propping out every now and then as if with a vengeance).  Oh once again - Why am I away from home - Oh I remember - to free myself from being imprisoned within the 4 walls of a set thought process, from a society which thinks highly about itself,to see, feel & experience beyond. (I keep forgetting it whenever nostalgia takes over). 4.5 minutes and so many thoughts- Not bad at all. You are a pride to womanhood (sarcasm)

I take out the key to my home and the door is about to be opened. Last straying away of mind before entering home sweet home. 'Will I do something different today or will it be spent just the same way as the yester-days'. Away from the system, slopping on a couch ,punishing myself by watching the mega serials "stree janmams" - all because I dont want my brain to stray away with all these un-wanted thoughts or will I take myself to the park and get engrossed in Tolstoys "Ressurrection" (happiness lies in that I do understand LT). As a matter of fact- the evening was gonna be unusual and thought provoking and spent in neither of the above said ways. I don't remember if I entered home keeping my right foot first or my left foot forward.If I knew which , tomorrow the same action would follow suit :)

 I think of late I have developed a sense of humour (which is naturally not a dear cousin to me) otherwise I wouldn't me writing  what happened next. 

Went straight to the system to check to see if there was some activity in FB. Usual glancing through would just take 10 minutes.Not so today. For me FB was where I got to know who got engaged/ married or who among my friends had a kid added to the other political & economic news updates. Both very important updates lest I ended up asking the wrong questions to so seeming close friends. As a matter of fact , today was not like any other day. I did have messages waiting to be openend.Oooooo fancy ! Ok these messages were not a result of friends remembering to say a hi to me, but rather a result of me saying  Hi to few friends & few acquaintances - just to remind me that it was important that I did not end up being a loner and also so that- later on I wouldn't have to listen to dialogues that may go this way "OoooH njangaleyokke ormayunddo aavumo /// Ingane oraal jeevichirippunddo " , both of which leaves me more irritated than dull witted. . To friends it was mainly apologies for not calling to congratulate for having a baby or etc. 

Next is the moment when things started happening.

The reply to the last message in my inbox was to this particular friend (I hate the word acquaintance because it puts in so much distance between two people).What I forgot was that even if I hated this particular word "accquaintance", the person at the other end ' the friend" may not. Life as a Mechanical professional has ruined the flair of a woman in me (by the way: When did I ever have that flair. My memory is failing me). The reply was jotted down and sent. Since this friend was online , his reply was immediate.(His first big mistake) A string of conversations followed . The string - the end of it- took me back to where I started - 'Nostalgia" . But a confused nostalgia this time around. Somehow or the other I was happy to talk to this person for it invoked memories of a happy age of which both of us was a part of but not with many common memories.Sometimes its not important to have a lot of common memories to strike a chord.I was just happy and I totally forgot that he barely knew me and that we have hardly spoken but more than a few words in the span of knowing each other. So the chirpy me went on, not sensing that someone at the other end was starting to get uncomfortable with the chirp :).....Little did he know that the only way to stop this chirping was by uttering the magic word. ' Miss Inquisitive" (The Miss was silent ;) ) . But when the heat was unbearable, unknowingly the magic word  came out...... Oooooo. Did I see or did I sense someone go red and hot at this end. I think I did. Don't worry I wouldn't say who that was, I wouldn't give away the secret. Instead of letting the lump reach my heart , I swallowed it for the first time in my life and immediately set to thinking from his perspective. He was Absolutely right. He dint know me , so my usual self was rightly mis-labelled as "Miss Inquisitive". Had it been me in his place and Had it been a boy who was talking to me thus, and acting SO familiar, I would have had the same thought 'WHOOO IS THISSS??? " 

""oh man

you do ask a lot of questions"

"and very inquisitive arent you?'

  So in a way - what did I learn from being my usual self. I realised that the usual self could be interpreted in two ways (when only 2 people are involved in the judging process).First your way about which only you know and second the other persons way which is based on the first impression you end up creating by your unlady like ways :) I am sure if I had good lady friends they wouldn't approve of my uncharacteristic ways.

As a matter of fact, its only right to give a chance for 'Miss Inquisitive" to justify her stand. Once upon a time she was  (Who am I kidding), she still is - a vaayadi when in her right spirits/when given a chance :) .An accusation she lives with is the naamodayam "Open book". Much as she tries, the book just wouldn't close (yet). I am sure it will one day but only after a few more greys will threaten and  will make itself visible for the world to witness.So for her, conversation of the first kind (with familiarity) comes natural and also because she has always been subject to questioning with answers expected like "Why do you have short hair" 'Why did you take Mechanical" "Why are you still with the same company""Why are you not married""Do you intend to get married and if so when""Whats your future plan"  , she has become used to the trend of being questioned or asking questions. Also when two people are supposedly having a conversation (chat/phone) and one side is quiet , she does not know how the conversation can go on in any other way than by asking questions. Little realizing that the silence in the first place may be because of "I do not want to have a conversation" "I am not comfortable having a conversation with you- Leave me alone :) "or other "N" number of reasons. In short, none of the conversation (questioning)  was because she was inquisitive (for the word meaning it stood for) to know what this friend was doing or to know what he was thinking of or to make him feel suffocated or feel thread bare. I do not personally believe in "How are you?- I am fine" "How is work?- Going good or hectic""How is family-Doing good."Do you have many friends in ur new place, Howz the place? All good""" and then a pause, a silence and any question or conversation beyond that is about getting too familiar.I may even stop talking to people because I know all these answers without even asking. Is this what growing up is all about?  Anyways that's the  background of this one Miss Inquisitive. It was an awakening and a Good one too.I liked it because I think this was something that I needed to understand/ remember while catching up with friends. It reminded me that a hungry soul would forget standards set by society when in alienation.

 ( A similar lesson that I got to learn a long time back is - a junior guy friend advise goes thus - I had this habit of falling in infatuation and within a week of the said feeling go and confess my infatuation (love per me then) to the concerned person- Thinking about it now , I can only imagine the fright I must have given those poor fellow beings :) )-but I was rightly immature then as I am sort of now :) I stopped after being taught that its the guy who should always come and propose :)- which is true........) and that learning still stays with me )

But at the end of it all , if I am asked if I learnt where I have to strike the balance- The answer would be "No". Conversation to me is not silence but about asking or answering  questions (but now I understand that a comfort zone has to be created/established). Silence is waiting for someone else to take the conversation forward and if it doesnt happen it become "The End". Maybe in recent times I have not experienced the Silent conversation- a Conversation wherein people speak from the heart without feeling its a question answer round going on, Wherein silence in itself is a conversation understood by the heart. Feeling like a pauper :).....{{{{ This section is confusing- I can't write better }}}}

At the end of it all , there is something I admire my friend for. I felt sad for a moment thinking that he felt that I was being inquisitive. But when I told him that I was just a vaayaadi and was not trying to intrude into his comfort zone- He said he believed.I respect him for that (if he truly meant it)

"haha

no misunderstanding then"

Once again , If what he said was true, I respect his understanding........and that understanding is what made me swallow the pill and see the lighter side of it.

What did I tell you when I began. "Women & thoughts" - Nothing more complicated :)

Am I ashamed of it. Sometimes I am , sometimes I am not...........................................When talking to people who understands your thinking (I am not) , but when talking to people who do not understand (I am ) :) :) :)

I love the wind blowing outside and I am glad Summer is here. With summer comes new life , new learning and new beginning and today was the first day of summer for me. 

This is with all due respects to this friend of mine and much as he may never know , I thank him for being that person who is unknowingly responsible for making me just sit down to write something...........(stupid as it may be)

(As always edits , if at all I feel like will come later - Till then , raw it remains as it came from within me.......)

Just yesterday I was thinking of Dowry from a man's and woman's perspective(bride,, groom,,parents,, in-laws,,society ) as I saw being debated and write solely from my perspective.....But in the process of it I realized how useless mere debates without practice is but I will someday pen something (as I always think is what debates are)..............................but instead of dowry this is what I ended up writing.............

Before the calm of the warm night paved way to the calm of the cool dawn , I got to listen to my 19 year old sister speaking about her confusions about life and I knew that  the same speech I gave her then to make her feel good, was the same speech I heard from my parents just a few days back when @ 28,  I was confused about life and its purpose for me :) . What comes around goes around........

 This was a day indeed ,eventful in a different light , a day that cannot stop & suppress my smile...........

Till later .....................

New Friendships (Accquaintances would be a better name)

(Whats written below was 1st impression , but it changed totally abt everyone except one-Changed for the better and we ended up great frnds & I ended up having a great time with this set of chattambhis)

Edits later (if not penned now -will never do , however raw the idea) I have no idea why I am taking to writing my incoherent thoughts again and what exactly I intend to write or rather of all the things that’s happening - why this. Something just as raw as its happening. The funny realization is that in some ways I have not changed one bit from my old self. Someone who takes things raw as it happens and takes them seriously afterwards if not then.
I am 27, unsettled and living my carefree life (So long as it lasts). I never thought I would get to make friends /acquaintances as a group again but here I am again after a long spell. I am in one of my nomadic expeditions. This time around I am not alone. I have a friend I know in this city and I am glad about that because at least its better than being totally alone. This friend of mine is 2 years my junior (Mallu) my ex-colleague (L&T) pursuing his MS. Well so that’s where my introduction to a students gang comes into picture. Mallu gang – A set of juniors. Well so whats up, thats so new. Well as a matter of fact, for me, its just what I feel when I spend time with them.
Person 1 - Day one of meeting was cold and pretty formal much as I tried to make a conversation (as I always do during 1st introductions). A pass out from SCT Trivandrum. His slang gives him away as a TYP. The edge of his lips tweaked to form a curve to resemble a smile. We all sat down in front of the TV with the sound system breaking my nerves. Again the conversation I tried to make did not have much effect. He has a sister who is married and lives in this country. He is a skeleton , pretty dark on the complexion side a nocturnal creature with his brains in the right place. Beer doesn’t have any effect on him and per him its just gas water which is instrumental is making one pee all the time and render an “unni vayaru” by not serving the purpose of giving the much sought “kick”. So when forced he drinks and when he drinks he curses the drink for failing to do its duty. It seems his friend got sidelined one time by a madaama because of him. Despite his looks, it seems two young beautiful girls preferred him to another saying- I don’t know about you but “He cracks me up”. What more does any guy want in his pursuit to get noticed.Well he definitely did not go looking for it but ended getting one all the same. Its funny that when conversations are being made he listens with intenserapture and I have heard him ask “Thannede” and how can it happen that way ennokke. He listens but when he spits out comments its with his slang .

Person 2 – A tall , skeleton modeled person with a hunch back.Has Ajay devgans eyes. He largely resembles a jr I had in GEC. Well this character surprises me every time for he is not to be taken by his looks.I do not mean it in any bad way, but when I look at him he personifies an angel. Soft spoken and a paavam….but it seems he is definitely now what his looks speak of him. His drinks with a passion to prove that he is not what he seems. And in Duffs where we went to have Buffalo wings , his vaayinottam and commenting on the structure or built of a lady proved he is no angel but a normal boy. He has a singsong slang ,an attribute of the place he comes from and is pleasing to the ears(at least it is to mine). A gentle guy with wits in the right place. Gels as per the occasions needs. As per him he is a Gentleman when he reaches home (as most of them boys I know-Angels in the eyes of their momsJ )
Person 3 - From TVM. Again an SCT product . Notorious in my eyes and the reason for me to set about writing this column. It is later in the story that I got to hear from someone I knew that he was considered a bhooloka Kozhi. Well much as I cudnt figure out the exact word to describe his character and frame it well then ,I am glad that at least now I know the simplest word to describe him. A “kozhi” , as simple as that. Its easy to spot one. Their eyes and looks gives them away without their knowledge. While conversing it was understood that he went to tuitions with my youngest sister. Everyone of them who were introduced to me gave pretty decent looks, looks that’s radiated when friends are being introduced. So he is one of the central figures that made me think and disturbed me at the same time. I disliked his looks from the very beginning. I really felt naked in front of him or rather I felt there was something way beyond decent thoughts in the looks that he emitted. He took to drinking easily and got himself drunk and as rightly put by him , acted to a scale of 9 when it only deserved a 4. Every peg he took was to take him to a level that could cover him up for anything he did or spoke. I wonder what’s the heroism attached to drinking. Now what did I dislike about this one character. He made it sound that the female gender was more or less just a commodity to flirt with. To me, he characterized the image of a starving youth and whose starvation was physical & sexual. He talked of notions that made me smile internally but were I to ever respond to any of those notions, I am sure I would be ridiculed for not being a Sport or for being a feminist. Couldn’t find a trace of innocence and he would be the last guy I would ever recommend to anyone. I would say this is acceptable behavior when a guy is 22, but much less accepted @ 24. Maybe he will be different when he enters the professional world. That’s where most of the guys matures out and grows up. Till then he is among my least favorite. Well having reached this point into my writing , I think I am the immature one for having felt offended by his looks. Well the case is dismissed. (Well now I understand why I like to write when I am disturbed……A better perspective dawns and I get to see and understand things much better J )
Person 4 - I liked this specific fellow being a lot. PC Thomas product, REC Trichy, Industrial. Son of PWD Engineer & HOD Civil Prof (MAC) and brother to an EC (MAC) product working in GE (Blore) and married to GE Blore ian. He is the product of the union of the 1st & 2nd rank holders (MAC –Civil). The love marriage was a “sambhavam” at those times and sister followed suit to marry an eligible colleague. A poster size tattoo (Cross and some flying bird) adorns his back. Owner of a real smart car and a sound system that drains the car off its battery. A plump boy ,an innocent smile which makes it seem that he is still in his late teens, a white shaded specs adorns his lively eyes , his eyes speaks a lot and sparkles with energy. Smarty pants wouldn’t miss a chance at passing comment for every action of speech of ours. He is a tharikida , the man behind the introduction of daily dips in alcohol. There is a halo above & thick cloud of smoke around him all the time (understand the exaggeration). He is the kind of man who runs the show with grace with others following without minding/realizing it . He is loud, he is bossy (in a kind way), he is a neat freak and the day he landed back from India, he set about the house to clean it with Harpic J and a broom. The broomstick on which he flies is that which drives his roomies to sit on their backs and set about getting things into order in the otherwise messed up place. He is the money manager. I get introduced to him and what I see of him is entering the bills in his laptop and sending out the message to his roomies. In spite of all the thrash talk and behavior there is something about him that’s pleasing and lovable. I think its innocence in a different way. A kuttitham ( Continueed-----------------------)

Person 5 - My link to these characters is a sweet person (as all other good frnds of mine). The only sad thing is poor thing would not drink with the rest because I am there (inspite of me & him knowing what he is ). This situation makes my spending time with this new set of people a problem. Half the crowd cannot stand the fact that he is not joinin in. I feel bad becoz I am the reason for him abstaining on my behalf. It takes him a lot of blushing to stand up to the crowd. conti-----Person 6 ---" Entharade ithellam..Arinjalla ninaakku puthiya pennallem kittiyennu """ (read it with the tvm slang in mind)---continued

Random Musings

I hope this is not made available to anyone else and even if someone bumps across this ,I would advise not to read further , for this is a self talking about the self. After years , today I thought I will contemplate on certain questions I never asked myself.....

I belonged or rather made myself belong to the SFI Movement in college - always believing that I was a Communist at heart - but am I is the big question that comes to me today. Was I accepted or rather did I feel I belonged? Well the answer is a Direct NO. Why so . Well the answer to that Why will come later (if at all I dont stray away as I usually does with thoughts). Where did I first hear about Marxism and Communists or Socialists. Well from my father. Did I hear a lot -Oh no I dint . Do I know a lot now. Not at all. All I know is still just 4 or 5 names and some of them a result of Economics I did in school for 3 years. I did not think I had to educate myself with names and history. Whenever I think it is a shame not to know enough I pick up a book but somehow or the other they don't interest me as much as I thought it would (I would rather say maybe I am not able to comprehend the thoughts and writings- If I in spite of my education cannot , I wonder how the working class understood the high ideals as spoken by Marx , Lenin and the rest --Maybe as is heard that was where the movement failed. The divide between intellectual thought and working class comprehension of the high thoughts. It could also be that they don't strike me as effective as other thoughts does. Filtering done by brain to respond to only situations I am familiar or rather fond of). Coming back to the only man I knew was a Communist in the circle of my relations and friends - My Father.

From the time I knew how to understand things happening in the family I knew my father belonged to a Party and whatever it was at that time , all I knew was that he was never home. From my age 4 until 11 , he was in Palaghat & Malappuram on deputation (a result of the changing Government and my fathers deep rooted principle not to use influence to come back home when his party was in power). During the years he was home , many a day was spent in the party offices and in meetings. He never spoke or discussed ideologies. Why ? I do not know. Maybe he wanted to keep it within himself. Maybe it was a deal between my amma and him. Mother was a practical lady and stuck to her ideologies and beliefs and never once tried to change appa . She always listened. Now why did I speak of Change and having to change. I forgot. My appa happens to be the first (maybe last too) Catholic in his village to ever be a comrade (The hungama it created is a story of its own) even though as a teenager he resented EMS and his land reform act that resulted in his father losing a lot of land to offer the landless. Friends and family and the religious did spend some many days praying, thinking God would change his mind.......All to no effect at that time, though I think the prayers were answered after some 35 or so years later.

No Marxist ideologies or philosophies were discussed t home. No pictures of Karl Marx or AKG hung on the walls. " The Manifesto of the Communist party" in itself was not there. So naturally I grew up not knowing any of these revolutionary ideologies or the founders of these thoughts that moved nations to progress and deterioration at the same time. Thoughts and heroes who were revered by many and shunned by the majority. A class and label apart was it to be a Communist. Then what made me feel that I am a Communist myself (after going to church every Sunday). Indirect Influence of family! You grow up influenced by lots and lots of people but the major influential part is played by close family members..Appa and amma. You become indirectly a reflection of what your parents are.....No doubt about that (however much we try to argue).

What drove this thought in me that I am a Communist (A safe thought when you are a child , but difficult as you grow up becoz as you grow you are subject to questions you have to answers. failure to answer mudrakuttofies you as a duffer. I want to belong to a world where I dont have to provide answers for falling in love). What all did I see growing up , if not seeing the pictures or hearing philosophy.

Visibility lay in the fact that :

1. We had " deshabhimani" newspaper at home along with Mathrubhumi. One was to serve his kooru towards party and the other becoz he wanted an unbiased account of events. The party usually tends to become blind and may not provide the facts through a moderates eye.

2.His transfer and being away from home for 7 long years. (When all 3 of his daughters were taken care of single handedly by my mother, with his once in a month intervention)

3. Part meetings and late home comings.

4. There was this one time when I accompanied him for sticking Party poster in office (Just once , but I still remember it , with a swell of pride--hahah)

5. His standing outside church in the parking lot during Christmas & Easter nights. The only 2 nights he came anywhere near a church because he had to take us for midnight mass. He did enter churches when he went to his hometown (still puzzles me). Never restricted us from going to church , but there was always a discord between appa and amma when it came to Sunday school and the teachings. He used to disapprove the notion of any of us being too pious. Maybe he did not like the teachings that taught and acted differently. That resulted in me actually sitting different grades many a time and knowing only basic prayers, whereas my pious friends would be knowing lots and lots of things. That sort of was a good thing. I may still not know prayers , but I knew what I wanted of the church. Action/ helping others and not words / preaching is my doctrine (influenced by my amma).

6. He never took a bribe (My Mom was not a communist , but I would atttribute her to be a socialist and a better one at that ,than my appa--hahah.......Marxism as is seen today is all talks my very limited experience too) If there is something I love about him , then it is this. Otherwise I would never have been able to hold my head high and walk.

7.He had amassed a ton of knowledge during his years in CDS and kaaryavattom by reading and with interactions with other comrades of learning. To this day I think whatever he amassed then and thru daily newspapers is all that you can call his wealth. None of which got transmitted (:))

He is an Economist.

Now I know the answer to what I was seeking. He made all 3 of us take Economics in school (8th thru 10th and ICSE Economics pretty much covers BA 1st level Standards). It was the study of Economics that must have sowed the seeds of what I call my thinking that I am a Communist.

Marx , his theories on wealth , topics on poverty , food problem , land reforms , labour, capital economies-capitalistic, socialistic, mixed ,, demand and supply chains and all the concepts thats economy related was learnt and chewed upon.

So now I deviate from how I would describe my belief came about to what happened to the belief I held in the later years. I was 16 or 17 when I read Mother by Maxim Gorky for the first time. That was introduction to the concept. It remained there for many years :0 .Animal farm came years later. That was ignorance and lack of a guiding force. But do I complain. No I don't. I think its important that we discover ourselves than let othes guide us. If we let others to guide us explicitly , we become mere followers who do not think and becomes afraid to voice opinions. I am glad my father never spoke a word or tried to influence but let me grow up the way I wanted to. To accept any principle or become a follower of any "ism" I felt worth choosing.

By now I was old. I was in the last year of my teenage (sort of 2nd yr at college).In spite of belonging to a rich family and not being subjected to any attrocities , I was a youth whose blood boiled when I thought of inequality and suppression and etc. At that young age - sexual assaults , rich - poor divide and many such things made me a rebel in my mind. The Extremists (Lala Lajpat Rai is one another persons whose ideologies I embraced. The extremists movement. Rani Laxmi Bhai also. I think Naxal movies influenced me. The Naxals in Kerala were my heroes. Looting the bursting exploiting rich to help the poor. How I used to wish I was one of them then. (I do not know if I still believe so). So more or less these were the feelings within me. Did these feelings have a knowledge backed base? No! Again I always give importance to what comes naturally from within me , than what comes as a result of education/ pruning of the thought process , for I think I deliver my best when I am natural. So it is with all this that I entered 2nd year of college , dreaming that sooner of later SFI (the unknown) would be able to establish base in a KSU college. Prayers were heard. The work of our seniors were to bear fruits through us. Though backed with controversies (for so called ragging ) I was quiet popular in our small college (mainly owing to being a tom boyish Mechy, who smiled and was friendly with people).

Party came into formulation, positions and the nominees were agreed upon. I was called to stand as the VC. (Little did I know then that VC was namesake :) )..Party and its hypocrisy (am I being a little too tough- Well no tensions, these are just my musings)... Oh yes. Now i had to decide , more than that I had to ask permission , get my parents approval. So thats when I am announcing for the first time that I think I am a lover of Communism. Nobody was shocked. My mother thought I was appas girl. My parents left it to me. Thats the most difficult thing in any game. Leaving the decision to ones own self (the worst form of punishment too). I was finding it difficult to make a decision, but the process was made very easy towards the evening. I was sitting with my parents when I got a phone call from a pass out senior (who was a very good friend of mine) of ethirkakshi but a Communist at heart , asking me not to stand for the election. I tried to reason my way trying to make him understand that I grew up in a Communist environment and that I was left inclined (Who is Karl Marx, What is the basic foundation of Marxism are still unknown to me , but as I told you there are some who are driven by impulse than by reasoning and knowledge and I belong to that ).One classmate cum then best friend too tried to dissuade me . Then another senior to whom I had a liking demanded me to back out. Did I mention earlier about that blood that boils. Well I was one of that kind who did not like threats nor one who could be threatened. So my answer all of a sudden became clear. To top it all , my parents asked me to go ahead when such silly threats came into effect . Very surprising but thats what I like about them. Their blood boils the same way mine does .....

All those loss of relationships was for what. Why couldnt a person respect the difference in another person and still be friends. Did the team who was setting up a party know that I was left inclind (pretty sure they did not )--All they wanted was the Namesake position / seat to be a sure winning seat for a majority in the Union, so that if at all there will be a hung situation this one otherwise roleless vote could be made use of.......

Loving the thought of being a Left and proving one to be one were really different. During the enactment stage I realized that I was in a wrong place but nevertheless I learnt a lot. Campaigning started. More than talking on what you would be caable of doing , more efforts had to be spent on pointing out the faults in others and when we are the center of the controversy , figure out speeches to contradict. Those were tough days and I was a tough one to handle too. I did not think it appropriate to give false statements or to say sorry for things I did not mean (for ragging) just because I had to win. I believed that a person had to be chosen for what he or she is for which positive campaigning is all that is required . I know things don't work the way I think it should. Few juniors helped me sail through the campaigning. Those were my first days at standing on elevated grounds(shivering deep inside) to speak a word or two to a crowd of juniors (half of whom who disliked me then) and seniors. The election was won. ( A situation which we thought was a puttu fight -for VC, did face tension the last moment...but better off a tougher fight than an easily won game)....

VC had to appear only whenever a Programme needed Vote of Thanks to be said. That was for every programme. My classmate wrote me all the speeches (Was I so shameless as to ask her all the time to write down simple speeches, but LD was always good. She wrote me good ones. If it was Malayalam, my father would tell me..... Never knew that a Marxist cannot take the name of God in speeches until then, first lesson learnt - among the few lessons learnt)...

Our Chairman was one of a kind. To be very frank , I really couldnt bear his one man show. Was he a typical failure that was talked off as a trademark of the party. Top heavy. Not that I cared , but when people nodded in general, I was not ready to do so. Second lesson learnt- There is no place for disagreement in the party. "" Party acchadakkam""Rules are set and it was upon us to follow it without questioning.......The biggest realization of my life came then ---I am not the disciplinarian who could tie myself down to any doctrine. I need room for questioning . Couldnt force myself to be a blind believer just to flow with the crowd or gain position or respect or to protect a principle which had flaws but which protected by protectionists who did it mainly to gain their ends is what I think it was all about.

Soon the party driven by outsiders understood that I would never become the comrade (imposed restrictions on voicing opinions) that they modelled / envisioned to see grow in GEC. The robots had to be knowledgeable but whose knowledge and thoughts , thinking and speech would be dictated by a bureaucracy (How is it different from a Catholic church in its functioning - stupid question indeed but still this came to my mind just now). Musings are afterall not based on rights and wrongs. Anyways I was called very less for any party meetings. I did not like the outside link that supported the inside party, which dictated what had to happen in college and what shouldnt happen. A higher authority is good and support is always much sought after but it should not be let to dictate everything that a person or institution should be doing. I saw the birth of many vaalatti pattikal & some real strong fellows but none that I would say that influenced so as to keep one sailing. Whether one truly believes in it or not , one has to really feel like saying Ingulab Zindabad from deep within to know that one truly belong and I couldnt and I knew I was a mere visitor never again to belong to the dream world she envisioned as a child but always to carry on with the old beliefs untainted forever , without letting the winds carry it or announce it to the world.Silent to questioned arrowed at you since there are no answers I can them. All I have is the knowledge that my blood still boils for the red ideology that initially stood for the rights of the working class and later on emerged to be an ideology criticized as one not keeping in sink with the times. There are certain things (unexplainable even to my questioning ) that I preserve within myself and move on

A supporter of an ideology is subject to persecution more than the perpetrator of the problem creator that taints the ideology and this is what had ultimately prompted me to write this meaningless so called musings....It is somewhat like this case. Just because you say you like Africa to someone and the person blames questions you about the rampant situation of AIDS and malaria and civil wars and sexual torture etc and holds you responsible in giving a solution or suggestion as to why all these are happening and whether you think they are right and should be happening. Where will you find yourself in such a situation. Thats what I feel when people look at me when harthals and strikes happen in Kerala and ask me for an explanation for the actions of the Left Government. When pacts for Industrial agreements are not made , when the youth turns to other countries and states for jobs and for the umpteen other problems that is claimed as a result of Leftist ideology , I am questioned by my friends. What do I have to answer. I am no spokes person for the actions of the Left Government. You and me are equally responsible for bringing about change , if thats what your questioning is directed at . If its merely as always just a question or insult posed for starting a useless debate to feed ones ego, then you better claim yourself a hero for all the facts and figures you have in your data base ready for show off......I do not have the data to back me up nor do I have the interest to have yet another talk unless it makes me wiser by a few sentences. I have nothing to offer but my silence..................

(Will edit this later --or completely delete one another day...........So an evening was spent in a different way...... Scribbling away my energy & incoherent thoughts after a long long time.............)

The Wanderer

Basking in the evening sun ‘pativullathaanu’. So we old and new alike get together, scatter ourselves to places that give us an additional comfort of scratching too while gossiping about the days happenings. The best loved places which meets the above said requirements is the edge of the road dividers (the tar on which we lie does give us some discomfort). There we lie the masters of all that we survey – dreaming, passing quick glances at everything around us. It is a meeting ground for all. The good old grands, teenagers, lovers and the kids.

The disturbance to this evening chitchat is offered by the homosapiens with their loud horns and the smoke they eject. The horn wallas may be non Gujjus – still not aware of our power in this place. The reverence with which they should consider us would be revealed to them after sometime. They have no mutual respect. Do they hear us mooing and bellowing to them to move out of our way. Would all this horning business have come to existence if our men would pull their enclosed carts. Our mens engine makes no noise save the clapping of hooves on road & the bell tied around their necks.

The penetrating horns have taken me away from my dreams to reality. Do they realize that our men folk are unemployed and frustrated to such an extent that the women folk have to pay the price for it by fruitbearing at all possible intervals. Poor beings. Now that those huge machines have come on the farms and the roads our men are left with nothing to do in this land where we women enjoy the powers. All I can thank God for is that our males are not born in some of the southern states where they would have to put to use as mouth flavouring dishes.

My thoughts move to my kids. Will the many kids I bring up to this so called earth be safe & secure in the years that would come. I don’t want them to feed on those many cardboards & plastics & dirty water which I feed on from the streets. I who once was so used to eating good straw & many other mouth savouring dishes am now reduced to this pitiable state.

I don’t think I should burden myself with so many worries. I am stuck between two times. My young ones would be subjected to the present time & more future times which would get only a little more worse – so they wouldn’t realize what they are missing out (those green pastures, daily dips in the ponds,….). How long will my kids live? With this diet will they able to produce healthy kids and deliver good creamy milk. My heart aches to think of changed times but I think I should be leaving them to their destinies and not worry so much. Oh these thoughts have drifted me from present.

I remember, I am by the roadside and my kids are besides me learning from me. Trying to imitate my ways – sitting posture, walking and maybe they are capable of reading my mind. I should think positive & deliver them good principle lest they stray from good twing.

The sun is about to set, the sun would go below the horizon. Get up lazybones. Where are you, in a dreamworld as always huh. (We din’t hear any gossips from your part today about the morning happening – you are thinking too much nowadays. If this goes on for long, you will be cast away from our rocking company – friends talk – As if I care.

The sun setting is alarm for us to tell us that homeward journey time is up. I have recently given birth to two so its difficult for me to get up with heavy laden breasts – fully laden for my master & young ones waiting at home. While on the slow stride homewards (thankfully I have a home to return to after all the wandering). I pass through galleys & societies where my devotees stay. Just as easy money is loved by money, this easy food has become habitual for me – I stand outside the gate & knock on the gate (how can they keep me waiting like this – still patience is a virtue – when plastic & paper are the only things within the huge belly). The usual chappatis, and othertimes as always I become a waste bin for unwanted stuffs in their home. Rotten vegetables the smell of which I can’t bear. I don’t turn my face at anything anytime lest they think that I am too proud & not keep my share the next day. The neighbours see their actions and follow suit.. all in the name of religion I also become a benefactor (but only I know that some take me for their moving dustbin).

The routine homeward journey has begun. I don’t leave any chance of getting tit bits from here & there. The freedom I enjoy is undisputable. In the distance I can see my home. Is my master angry? Have my thoughts strayed me more than my allotted time. Is my baby hungry?

No he is not angry. A bail in his hand and my baby tied lest ir rushes to me and gets hold of the larger portion of what my breasts can feed it. I stand quite whilst I enjoy my master milking me with those humanely gentle hands. Again I have a wish, that he wouldn’t turn to that milking equipment that he experimented on me, some months before. I like the feel of his hands on my breasts because it gives me the satisfaction that I am useful to them in ways more then one.

What if all those technologies they are experimenting onus comes into being. Better productivity, better food, environment etc as it would be. But what does it mean to me & my family & friends. Loss of freedom to wander as freely as the clouds, constraints to thoughts, dreams etc. a cliché twing as many others. A shed where many of us would be tied up with timely food & washing. A fixed area allotted to everyone. A space for all. No roaming, no evening walks. Stand all day long seeing the same view all day long (the view directly in front of us). All the spice to life would be over. The immediate neighbour would be so tired of all this that we won’t have chitchats even.

Today I don’t make any noise & moo because I am happy as a wandering soul – then I won’t moo because there would be no meaning for my existence save provide milk & dung.

A pat on my back wakes me (to be exact – Shubhani didi’s call)

My mind keeps wandering. I have been awakened again from my dreams, milking is done, my master is happy with the full pail I would provide him. My baby is untied. He comes running. Hmm. I am enjoying the feel of its mouth on my breasts. It gives me the happiness only a mother can feel. A feeling of living for a purpose. I let my mind stop wandering as my young one sucks away all that I have to provide